Growth

My main goal in life, as is most, is to grow and change and essentially become a God or Goddess. Looking back I realize I have been fighting this process my whole life. This is me spilling my guts about my weaknesses and mistakes.


When I was younger, my mother was married and divorced three times. I don't remember much of these trials so I can't remember how I reacted, but I do know that I was a child and because of that I have to believe that I was resilient and forgiving. I'm sure that I had complete faith that my mother would keep me safe and protected.


When I was 17, my mom passed away. I was confused, scared and vulnerable. It was a blur. I sank into a deep depression. I couldn't hold a job, I had severe anxiety attacks, and I was struggling to say the least. I began to lean on my Savior. I read the Book of Mormon for the first time and I accepted help from others, not right away though more like 2 years later.


The reason I bring these up is because they are examples of times that I reacted and endured trials appropriately. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way I lost it. I lost the ability to have faith and trust. I'm embarrassed by the way I have changed.


Today I was praying and I apologized to my Heavenly Father for losing my ability to have faith. I received an immediate answer... "Faith is a result of action." My actions have been awful. I have experienced anger, fatigue, sadness, and confusion. There has been little hope, faith, love, and humility. This is me admitting my mistake. I have handled these recent trials as someone who has no vision of the plan of salvation.


I look at the classic example of Nephi and Sam vs Laman and Lemuel. They went through the same struggles and trials but the difference was their reaction. Laman and Lemuel "knew not the dealings of that God who created them."


This is me changing. This is me letting the Lord know that I am going to do better. This is me admitting that I am not perfect. This is me saying that I am going to try and when I fail I'm going to try harder. 


Quotes I found:


"Sometimes we want to have growth without challenges and to develop strength without any struggle. But growth cannot come by taking the easy way. We clearly understand that an athlete who resists rigorous training will never become a world-class athlete. We must be careful that we don’t resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature."


"When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

This life is an experience in profound trust—trust in Jesus Christ, trust in His teachings, trust in our capacity as led by the Holy Spirit to obey those teachings for happiness now and for a purposeful, supremely happy eternal existence. To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning (see Prov. 3:5–7). To produce fruit, your trust in the Lord must be more powerful and enduring than your confidence in your own personal feelings and experience."

"If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love."


"How grateful I am personally that our Savior taught we should conclude our most urgent, deeply felt prayers, when we ask for that which is of utmost importance to us, with “Thy will be done” (Matt. 26:42). Your willingness to accept the will of the Father will not change what in His wisdom He has chosen to do. However, it will certainly change the effect of those decisions on you personally. That evidence of the proper exercise of agency allows His decisions to produce far greater blessings in your life. I have found that because of our Father’s desire for us to grow, He may give us gentle, almost imperceptible promptings that, if we are willing to accept without complaint, He will enlarge to become a very clear indication of His will. This enlightenment comes because of our faith and our willingness to do what He asks even though we would desire something else."


"The Lord’s plan is to exalt you to live with Him and be greatly blessed. The rate at which you qualify is generally set by your capacity to mature, to grow, to love, and to give of yourself."


"Someday when we get to the other side of the veil, we want more than for someone just to tell us, “Well, you’re done.” Instead, we want the Lord to say, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”

• "More than Conquerors through Him that Loved Us" - Paul Johnson
• "Trust in the Lord" - Elder Richard Scott